True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
