so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Semen is not good for contacts.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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