There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
