I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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