I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
