Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
