On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
