like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
