Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
