I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
