We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize