I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
