Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I need to stop coming to work sober
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
