nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
