i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
