my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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