So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize