I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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