u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
