my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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