I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
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He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
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No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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