New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
