I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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