Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
