I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
