i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
