If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
someone owes me an orgasm
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
