Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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