You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
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Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
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WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.