i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
