Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The beer is more important than you right now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
