john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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