maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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