seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
