I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
