I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
