true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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