if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
