Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You pole danced in your parka.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
