at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
