Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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