I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
