She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
