Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
