My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
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They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.