Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"