U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
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Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo