Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening