Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.