i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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