this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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