Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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