Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
