and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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