It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
