Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
