your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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