I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
