Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
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perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
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You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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