Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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