Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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