My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
